The Fear Of Not Existing

The last couple of nights I’ve struggled to sleep because I’ve been hounded by this fear that every so often rears its ugly head and grips me tightly in its grasp. The fear is based on the hopelessly futile thought experiment of thinking about what happens when you die except, I guess it has a slightly more existential edge to it because my mind goes over several forms of disappearing into non-existence.

For example, what if their was some catastrophic incident and the world ended. Like the lights went out just like that. How would you know? You wouldn’t, because you’d cease to exist, but what is that like? Well it’s an absence of awareness, I get that, but you wouldn’t have a clue and for some reason that terrifies me more than anything has ever done. It wouldn’t be blackness or darkness, it would just be nothing and you can’t quantify that.

And then of course there’s the normal fear of death but, when the first scenario is on my mind normal death becomes overwhelmingly, grotesquely scary. It is that fear of not-existing that does it. Slipping away into nothingness. Man, it just makes things seem pointless and cruel.

Like I say, it’s the thing that scares me the most, and I’ve only just recently realised that.



NaNoWriMo – 50k words: Done

So I’ve completed my second NaNoWriMo after going on a bit of a writing spree in the past couple of days.


I went back and forth a bit with my story, adding in new scenes at the beginning and there’s a lot of detail missing in the lead up to the conclusion which I’ll obviously tighten up when I go through it.

I have to be honest and say I didn’t enjoy this NaNoWriMo as much as my first one, principally because my storyline was evolving so much – including the end completely changing – that it was often an unwieldy process trying to keep track of everything whilst knowing that in some cases (certain chapters and characters) it was a futile exercise.

I like to have everything clear in my head before I sit down and begin a story but it was quite a late decision to do NaNoWriMo this year. I wanted to embrace the general idea behind NaNoWriMo this time around and just shoot for 50k words without getting too caught up with making sure everything is just so. Turns out I don’t do so well working like that which I guess isn’t much of a surprise seeing as I talk so much about the importance of planning a story.


Although I’m not exactly crowing about the experience this year, weirdly enough I think in the long run this will probably prove to be a more successful NaNoWriMo.

I discussed earlier in the month how last year I did 80k words on a story that at the time I thought had a lot of potential. In fact I still do, I just haven’t executed it well enough. It was though a story I had thought about a lot in the run-up to NaNoWriMo and so knew where I was going. Consequently I found it easier.

This year I ran with an idea against my better judgement and was flying somewhat blind, yet despite everything I’m excited because I know there’s so much good stuff there. I’m excited to finish it and for people to one day read it.


What Now?

I’m going to print it out and slowly go through it and work out a proper outline for it.

But in the next couple of weeks my top priority is going to be to go through my novella once more using the feedback I’ve got and give it the final polish it needs before I submit it.


NaNoWriMo day 21

Fell behind whilst I took some time to think about the storyline, caught back up, wrote some stuff that wasn’t worth the time it took but then made up for it with some stuff today that I think is quite good. That is the last few days in a nutshell.

And yeah I know stopping to think and plan goes somewhat against the principle of NaNoWriMo of just getting words down on paper but hey, nobody tells me what kind of pizza to like

Wait what? What I meant to say is nobody tells me how to go about writing a novel.

As I forge ahead I’m getting more excited about going back afterwards and fleshing out all the ideas I’ve got going on and of course developing the characters.

Well, unlike the other day when I had some thoughts on quantity vs quantity as well as an update, today this pretty much covers it all.

Inquisitive: Part 2


Second part of my story, if you’ve got a few minutes free go and have a read.

Originally posted on River Ram Press:

By Hassan Izzo

My mind must have shut down because I don’t remember feeling any pain either – in fact I looked up at Kevin and waved. He was looking down at me, swaying from side to side and looking very peaky. I’d seen that look before. He really couldn’t cope with anything that came under his description of ‘off key’ which hanging around with me, wasn’t a great weakness to have. I knew what was coming next and sure enough, he grabbed his stomach and threw up onto the grass with such force and volume that little droplets of vomit splashed onto my legs.

The next thing I heard was my mother scream out in the purest form of distress I’ve ever heard before or since. I turned to look at her and there she was looking at me from the kitchen window, frozen with shock. I waved…

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Throwback Thursday

Never done one of these before but this first picture is of me, some of my cousins and my granddad.


And the second one is what I found in the charity shop – FOR ONE POUND. I can’t believe someone gave this away. The cd is in mint condition too. Awesome. Didn’t actually have a physical copy of this album so delighted to find it when I’d just popped in to see what books they had.


The Bends

My Mind

My mind,

My mind,

How I love you

How I treasure you

How I cherish you

You are all things to me

So aloof, so powerful, so delicate

So enlightened, so intricate, so full of wisdom

So full of happiness, so full of maladies

So masterful, so tragic

So ripe

Everything I need you to be

My mind

My mind