The last couple of nights I’ve struggled to sleep because I’ve been hounded by this fear that every so often rears its ugly head and grips me tightly in its grasp. The fear is based on the hopelessly futile thought experiment of thinking about what happens when you die except, I guess it has a slightly more existential edge to it because my mind goes over several forms of disappearing into non-existence.
For example, what if their was some catastrophic incident and the world ended. Like the lights went out just like that. How would you know? You wouldn’t, because you’d cease to exist, but what is that like? Well it’s an absence of awareness, I get that, but you wouldn’t have a clue and for some reason that terrifies me more than anything has ever done. It wouldn’t be blackness or darkness, it would just be nothing and you can’t quantify that.
And then of course there’s the normal fear of death but, when the first scenario is on my mind normal death becomes overwhelmingly, grotesquely scary. It is that fear of not-existing that does it. Slipping away into nothingness. Man, it just makes things seem pointless and cruel.
Like I say, it’s the thing that scares me the most, and I’ve only just recently realised that.