The last year of my twenties is fast approaching. My natural disposition is one that is heavily optimistic and joyful and certainly not one that lingers on things like the passage of time in a negative way. I know that it stems from a boundless ambition and enthusiasm for life. With all that being said, it is exceptionally gratifying to be looking at next week with my natural mentality.
It’s true that a lot of my twenties have been punctuated by long, bleak episodes of depression, passages of time that, up until not that long ago made me look at the coming new decade of my life with apprehension. Could I really cope with another decade like the one before? How was I meant to achieve any of my ambitions or have any kind of fulfilment with that horrible spectre hanging over me? I’d long gone past the point where I thought I could ride the waves when the storm came, the act of coping shown up to be an illusion to the point that even when the devil released me from his grip the ensuing relief and happiness was tempered by the knowledge that the darkness would come again.
Right now though, everything in that second paragraph is a distant memory. Of course it isn’t, not really, after all it’s only in the last year and a bit that I’ve started to put things in place to overcome depression once and for all, and it’s only been a couple of weeks since I finally told my friends, too at last rid myself of the pressure and weight of pretending. But every step forward feels like the equivalent of a thousand steps in the right direction and with each one of those steps I feel more alive and energised.
Last year I wrote a post about the film Side Effects, a film I enjoyed very much. In it I mention how Jude Law’s character says that a psychologist once described depression as not being able to construct a future. I think in another post I discussed how I didn’t think that description was 100% accurate, but does provide a succinct way of looking at it and does fit very nicely with how I feel now.
Feeling strong mentally as I do now in a way I haven’t for many years, my old, natural tendencies are once again flourishing and that really is why I’m looking forward to next week and the years to come with relish. When I sit here and think about that, I know that it isn’t just progress, it is happiness.