My depression diary is now my bipolar diary – part two

So before the break I was talking about symptoms, lets continue with that.

For a great description of what it feels like to be in a hypomanic phase, read the extracts below, which I took from an article written by Natasha Tracy (and please do check this lady out as she has written extensively on the issue of bi-polar).

The hypomanic mind isn’t like a single life happening all at once, it’s like every life happening all at once in a tiny, tinny, echoing room….Fragmented, distracted thoughts. Sentence fragments. Problem grammar.  No capital letters. No punctuation……I have to take these checks to the bank. I have to transfers money from one account to the other. I look at the check over and over to make sure each part is filled in correctly. I put numbers where letters should be. I cross is out, initial and put the letters in. I hope they don’t reject it for the mistake. I can’t afford for them to do that. I check my pockets I have my phone and check and keys. I have no bank card. I was taking the check to the back but I couldn’t think of what to do once I got it there. It’s so much effort to get my bank card. I can’t add numbers…

Hypomanic Word Play

Proliferation of properties with room for only Park Place or Boardwalk. I use alliteration too much in my writing. Never got enough when I was young. Never got enough poetry. I don’t like poetry. I didn’t know the meaning of the word assonance and now I make up for it with silly or satisfying syllogisms. I just like the way the words sound when you say them in your head and when you see them painted in the air in front of you. Words are rolled around over and over on my tongue like a wine tasting and then swished and swirled into existence forming ethereal clouds in front of my eyes. It’s like make o-rings with smoke but I make ideas appear out of nowhere.

What Hypomania is Like

What was I saying? What is hypomania like? Hypomania is like hypomania, hypomania, hypomania, hypomania, it’s like repeating a word over and over and a song over and over until it has been ground into your brain and makes no sense. It’s speed without destination or purpose. It’s Prince’s I Will Die For You repeating in your consciousness until you feel like you want to track Prince  down and kill him just for writing the song. It’s like a million cups of coffee plus an inability to count, a hampered memory, creativity bordering on delusion, no sleep, no food, no sense, slippery sex, insistence, persistence and confusion. And a few other things I’m probably forgetting. Yes, hypomania, is something, like that.

Only bigger.

Like I said in part one, it can be exhausting. To give a little more context, I found a couple of fantastic examples of some of the symptoms mentioned before on an Australian website:

  1. Creativity:
    Can be experienced as ‘seeing things in a new light’; ‘seeing things vividly and with crystal clarity’; finding one’s senses are heightened; and feeling quite capable of writing the ‘great Australian novel’.
  2. Mystical Experiences:
    Can be experienced by believing that there are special connections between events; that there is a higher rate of coincidences between things happening; feeling one with nature in terms of appreciating the beauty and the world around, and believing that things have special significance.

For me these things often dovetail with a feeling of superiority, that I am above and beyond everyone, that I am more important, more talented, more everything. When I feel like that nobody is worth my time because nobody is on my wavelength and they are just hindering me and stopping me from achieving greatness.

On the flipside I can also feel incredibly hostile towards everyone and go into my shell because I truly feel as if everyone hates me. It’s fucking crazy.

This is not to mention the spending sprees over the years that have landed me in several thousand pounds worth of debt.

Of course I’ve discussed the swing in the other direction, the depressive side of it. All of it is just exhausting, exhausting, exhausting and I wonder why the fuck my mind decided to go haywire a few years ago and play havoc with who I am every couple of weeks.

And that for now, will be it. They’ll be more as I continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other, which is about as much as I can do at the moment. I Just have to keep making the right decisions.

 

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