My daily journal – feeling fed up

One of the things I’ve been told to do and seen mentioned elsewhere is to keep a journal and note my moods so that I can track when I veer one way or the other.

Well today, and yesterday, I’ve felt better than I did at the weekend, where it was a case of feeling hollow, but mostly, right now I feel fed-up and prohibited from living a normal life because of forever being caught betwixt and between extreme moods that both do nothing but wind me up now. I’m just tired of it all now really and want to go back to being of sound mind and living in a consistent way like I used too. I think a lot now about my life up to around the age of 20 when I was free of this nonsense.

I’ll state right now that I’m certainly not depressed, like I say I’m just fed up. I’m scared to do much, like too much thinking or writing or listening to music or socialising with more than one person at a time because I don’t want anything to tip me into a hypomania phase. Which basically means I’m living in a kind of mental straightjacket because I can’t risk the danger of slipping into that period of time where I can’t stop the racing thoughts and the horrible obsessions I get over little things or the way my mind will settle on ideas that seem deserving of every ounce of energy but then seem worthless a week or two later and all the effort was for nought and then you feel exhausted and then you slip into depression for no other reason than that’s what your brain seems set up to do.

Honestly it’s bullshit man. I’m scared to live, scared of the consequences.

I’m tired of being broke and I’m ashamed of the debt I’ve racked up and how long it will take to get out of it and every day I question how someone with my intelligence could for so long have allowed themselves to spend and spend and spend and then be depressed depressed depressed and not seek help quicker.

I hate that this doesn’t give enough of a real sense of what’s going on and so you might read it and just think it’s just a lack of control or something else or whatever.

I hate how in January I can be so focused that I blaze through book after book and now for a month and four days my concentration and focus is such that I struggle to read more than a few pages a time and only get through one book.

And I suppose I feel like even this anger is tempered by a feeling of emptiness that cuts through everything but I’m just balanced enough in the middle to be thankful of that fact because at least I’ll sleep, unlike when I’m hyper.

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