Bipolar diary – thinking back over my past behaviour

Last night as I lay in bed, my mind wandered back through the past as I started to marry together everything I’m aware of now with my past behaviours. It’s a complicated process because I’m realising just how conflicted I’ve been in my own mind for so long. As I analyse everything, I see there’s a mix of self-deception, wilful ignorance and sheer confusion that runs throughout the way I’ve dealt silently with things up to this point. I’m also understanding more the elaborate coping mechanisms that I unconsciously put in place that insulated me from ‘being found out’ as it were (which will be in a later post).

I’m also seeing that a large part of me was simply so lost that I thought that some of the things I was experiencing were simply normal for everyone, which I obviously appreciate now is ridiculous. The fact that in looking back I actually find some of it comical I think is a good thing, I certainly aim to maintain my sense of humour through all of this and some of it does make me laugh out loud. Anyway, now I want to take the time to go through some of the weird things that I think when I’m hyper as shit.

Grandiose delusions   

I’ve seen some bipolar information sources talk about this in terms of people thinking things like they’re Jesus, or a king etc. I have never experienced that but, and again right now I find this really funny, I recognise times where I genuinely think I’m one of the greatest thinkers in the world, not just now, but in the history of mankind. In fact, at the time, I don’t think I am, I know I am. It’s just something beyond doubt, I am a genius, my intellect is unparalleled  and I am supremely important. I am privy to some sort of special, celestial bond where I just like, vibe in a different frequency man. Jeeze, when I really think about it, it’s hilarious. I’m smart, but I’m not that smart.

I don’t really know how this manifests in my interactions with people, I know I can feel really irritable around people because I feel in this state that they are beneath me and I know over the years I have been exceptionally rude to my mum, which obviously makes me feel like a right wanker, but I can’t picture it unfolding in my mind.

Persecutory delusions

This one I don’t find funny at all and I’m not entirely sure if it falls under this category but anyway, there are times, and it happens quite regularly, where I think every single one of my friends, in fact everyone I know, hates me. I mean really despises me. It’s a real bitch and incredibly troubling and makes me isolate myself. I experienced it briefly recently and it just makes me feel exceptionally distressed. I cut off contact from people and even ignore messages because I feel like everything is laced with hate and sarcasm.

Business ideas

This one makes me laugh the most because I can pin point three times in the last year where my mind has been in a hyper phase and then suddenly latches onto some kind of idea with laser guided focus. Suddenly I’m planning and strategizing the next five years of a business that will inevitably be a success and make me stupendously successful and rich and admired and respected. It’s just, you know, written in stone that this idea is going to take off instantaneously. When this happens I cannot. Switch. Off. I’ll have a bizarre amount of sleep yet still feel wired, I’m a CEO Goddamit and this business needs me steering it towards greatness. This can last a few days, a week, a couple of weeks, a month, but in the end the same result occurs – I crash and the whole things gets discarded and I lament another period of wasted energy and time as I sit there and think ‘what the fuck?’

Oh, and don’t bother telling me that my idea is ridiculous at the time, because I won’t listen. What a joke.

I suppose I’ll leave it at that for now.

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