My daily journal – starting to feel irresistible

Even just walking down the street there was more of a swagger in my step and I interacted with the receptionist at the doctors and the checkout girl at the local Tesco with more confidence. I dunno man, but when I start rising upwards it feels good at first, like I’m this real assured, attractive guy.

Earlier on today I made an appointment with a local counselling group called Care to Listen. I have my first meeting – what they call an initial assessment – next Tuesday. The next appointment with the doctor is Friday the 13th. That’s two important things checked off.

Tomorrow I need to get back in contact with the lady at the employment place (the people who help those with mental health issues get back into work). I need to update her on recent goings on and after that I’ll be going through all my debt letters etc. with my mum – which will be embarrassing because I’m so ashamed of the mess I’ve allowed to accumulate over the years – but after all that, I’ll have some semblance of solid ground to stand on and plan the next steps in moving forward.

I’m supposed to be trying to monitor my moods carefully and looking for triggers in this journal. In regards to why I’m starting to feel real good today, I think it’s pretty obvious, it’s because I’m ticking off things that need to be done and I’m continuing to stick to what I promised myself in January, that I would, with all my might, move forward, embrace what uncomfortable feelings and setbacks and episodes of depression come and just keep sticking at it. Get help, tell my mum, tell my friends etc. etc.

I’m actually going to tell my mate tomorrow about the whole picture. As I’ve said before, I told all my friends I had depression, but tomorrow will be the first time I’m telling anyone everything, apart from my mum.  Even that’s weird, I’d probably have to go back to the days of me being a teenager that I told my mum something first rather than a close friend and that in itself represents something else that has been on my agenda, that something being improving my relationship with my mum and getting it back to how it used to be. One small step at a time.

Going back to that feeling of starting to feel irresistible, I’m still nervous and anxious with it. I still feel like I’m holding on tightly, scared to lose control to either the highs or the lows.

I think my deepest desire is to one day not be scared of my mind and the places it takes me.

As I said though, one small step at a time.

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