Except it wasn’t a proper session, but rather just an overview of what I could expect from my sessions, plus some preliminary inquiries like my home situation, last relationship and whether I could pinpoint any great past trauma in my life.
All fairly standard stuff, I mean I feel like I was pretty well prepared as to what to expect before I went in. The truth is I’m not reticent at all about being open and talking about anything or being led anywhere mentally a counsellor thinks is important; it’s their job after all and that’s what I’m there for.
The lady asked what my goals or aims were in coming to counselling. I said that if I could gain a deeper understanding of myself that allowed me to regain control of my mind that it would be a success. I don’t how feasible or realistic that is through counselling alone.
I also said I feel like I’ve slowly lost who I am and my identity over the last few years.
Like I say, I don’t mind be open and I know in the coming weeks we’ll (or whichever counsellor is assigned to me) be digging deep and I’m sure we’ll talk about things like ‘how has not knowing my dad affected me’ and ‘how about your relationship with your stepdad when he was around’ and ‘what about your last significant relationship’ (which I know when the extent of the stress behind that is revealed will yield many, many questions of me because I’ll be open about the emotions it stirred up).
But the truth is, I feel like I’ve made peace with those things. I mean, I could be wrong, I’m not about to go into talk of self-deception again, but the issue that really concerns me is the mood swings, it’s those that I can’t cope with anymore, it’s the random swing from ridiculous highs to terrifying lows that have finally exhausted me; it’s the fear that I’ll be told that medication is the only way forward that scares me. Who am I and what will become of me is that is the case? Those are my pressing concerns.
I will say this though, the act of talking, and talking freely, is one that I truly enjoy. Having someone listen 100% is too rare a comfort, too rare a joy for me not to give myself over to the process and continue to push forward and to keep making the right decisions, which is something of a mantra of mine this year.