My daily journal – last night was a farce and it hasn’t got better since – part one

It’s hard to describe just how fast my mind is racing right now. I feel hyped up yet exhausted at the same time and want to sleep but my brain is switched to maximum.

There was a point last night where I thought my mind was actually done and dusted, like my consciousness was ready to leave. That sounds pretty heavy and dramatic but looking at it I can see the last few days added up to somewhat of a perfect storm.

I’ve had a few early starts this week and I haven’t been sleeping well, in fact I haven’t had a good, deep sleep all week. Now, for at least a year or two, and way before I realised that what I was experiencing was bipolar, I’d realised that there was a connection between my sleeping patterns and staying on an even keel. In fact for a while I became pretty obsessed with the whole thing but gave up in trying to keep any semblance of a regular pattern because of all the symptoms I was experiencing. Of course at the time there was a lot going on that I didn’t even know were symptoms.

Still, despite the lack of good quality sleep, I wasn’t feeling all that bad, or even that weird. I mean, I know that for the last week or so I haven’t had the concentration to read, watch TV, watch a film or anything like that, and people that follow this blog regularly will know that I enjoy these things a lot and write about the things I’ve read and watched, but still I didn’t feel like I was out of control and it was merely a slight inconvenience for the time being. I didn’t envisage anything tipping me over the edge; after all I’ve taken some good steps this week and felt like I might level out for a bit. Boy was I wrong.

The Tipping point

The other day I bought a game with the last bit of money in my PayPal account.

IMG_3527

I’ve played these games since I was a kid – and man did I love ‘em when I was a kid. Here’s a link to the wiki page about them but anyway they’re hugely successful and hugely popular (if you’re a football fan). As an adult you don’t really get the same time to put into it (which is the refrain of lament from all people who grew up playing the series) but everyone still does, carving out time to play it here and there. I won’t even attempt right here right now to try and explain just why it’s so addictive, but these days it’s so detailed and well thought of that even professional clubs use it as a source of information on players and tactics, which is quite something.

I hadn’t bought a version of it since 2012, which was one I’d loved and so didn’t bother updating, but it’d been about a year since I’d played it all and wanted to see how the game had progressed in the intervening three editions. It’s definitely moved on a lot in terms of detail and as I was setting up my team, actually let me just put in a screenshot to illustrate what that looks like visually, green being what you want your team to do –

Screenshot 2015-03-14 18.21.00

I was playing for a couple of hours, setting up my team each game when suddenly my brain just switched into hyperdrive in a way that was way, way more uncomfortable then I could remember it being in the past. I switched my computer off and a little while later tried to go to sleep but nope, my mind was racing faster than the cars that will be opening the formula 1 season in the early hours of Sunday morning.

It hasn’t stopped since and like I say last night it was horrifically unsettling. I think that the last few weeks, in fact opening three months of the year, what with everything I’ve been tackling, has probably put me in kind of a hypersensitive state and much easier to be tipped in either direction more than usual.

But really I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the case that I’ve steadily got worse over the years. In fact I’ll investigate that further, because I know for a fact that my depressive phases have got much worse as I never used to have suicidal thoughts. As for the hyper phases, I’ve systemically isolated myself as best I can over the last couple of years to try and protect myself and have some kind of control, behaviour that again I’m actually only now starting to realise and which long term just can’t go on. I can’t just live a life cut off from society. Obviously I’m tackling all of these issues which is good.

Its things like this that make me side-line the issues I have with medication. When I feel like this I’m willing and ready to put aside my reservations and accept what medication the psychiatrist recommends to me when I have my appointment.

 

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