My daily journal – last night was a farce and it hasn’t got better since – Part Two: Restless and frozen

Got to the end of my last post and was thinking how I could better describe some of the thoughts and feelings that have got the better of me today. The word my mind settled on was restless, which took me back to this piece of writing by Natasha Tracy, this bit in particular –

The hypomanic mind isn’t like a single life happening all at once, it’s like every life happening all at once in a tiny, tinny, echoing room. Hypomania is like having ball-bearings bouncing around inside my skull faster and harder and fast and hard and faster and harder. Hitting each other, making divots on the inside of my skull, becoming interior decorators. Fragmented, distracted thoughts. Sentence fragments. Problem grammar.  No capital letters. No punctuation.

I Googled ‘Bipolar and restlessness’ to see what would come up and amongst the usual clinical and symptom websites I came across a couple of blogs from people describing their own periods of restlessness, but it was this comment –

I feel restless a lot. I feel restless but I can’t do anything. I just feel like I’m moving very fast but I can’t even keep up with myself and I feel frozen and tired at the same time. I think of things to do then I forget them suddenly. Or, I think of things to do but I just can’t motivate myself to do them. I feel like I’m doing 10,000 things but really I do nothing. It is confusing, even for me. Like I said, I feel frozen and racing at the same time.

– that was taken from here, which perfectly sums up what I’ve experienced today. I could have waited until I was free of this particular spell of annoyance and described it in my own words – and far better than what I’m capable of doing now – but I wanted to get across right now what it was I was feeling.

It’s the combination of racing and frozen that is particularly annoying because what it really boils down to is an unproductive but still tiring day and then you feel angry because you can’t focus to get anything meaningful done, which is by far the more distressing part of this phase, as opposed to the times when I am hyped up and full of energy but also laser focused and able to get stuck into any task I see fit.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

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2 comments

  1. Oh, friend. You are really going through something. As a therapist (the one with the hammer) reading your distressing stories turns my own wheels and I think, well, it sounds de-escalation would help, focusing on your breathing, distracting yourself as you focus your brain on each slow breath, or writing your stressors on pieces of scrap paper and placing them in a box, especially at night so your mind is not racing so much and you can get some rest. The sleep schedule is tricky, coming around every 90 minutes or so and missing the window can cause further anxiety. Low stimulation self-massage can also help to calm the body down so it can recharge. You will find what works for you over time through trial and error. Life is all trial and error and we are always growing, always learning.

    • Thank you for the advice.

      My friend actually brought me a notebook the other day that is attached to a small wooden board with small Guatemalan worry dolls on it. Don’t know if you’ve heard of them? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worry_doll Actually, I just found the actual notebook here on Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Windhorse-Worry-Doll-Notebook/dp/B00GC3MLRO

      I think I’ll start using that before I go to sleep.

      Focusing on my breathing in the past has helped, all the good advice seems to go out the window when I get like last night but hopefully in the next couple of days I’ll get back into a good routine. Definitely feeling better now, finally got a couple of hours of sleep around 6am. There was some boxing on that distracted me enough to relax a little.

      Thanks again.

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