Got to the end of my last post and was thinking how I could better describe some of the thoughts and feelings that have got the better of me today. The word my mind settled on was restless, which took me back to this piece of writing by Natasha Tracy, this bit in particular –
The hypomanic mind isn’t like a single life happening all at once, it’s like every life happening all at once in a tiny, tinny, echoing room. Hypomania is like having ball-bearings bouncing around inside my skull faster and harder and fast and hard and faster and harder. Hitting each other, making divots on the inside of my skull, becoming interior decorators. Fragmented, distracted thoughts. Sentence fragments. Problem grammar. No capital letters. No punctuation.
I Googled ‘Bipolar and restlessness’ to see what would come up and amongst the usual clinical and symptom websites I came across a couple of blogs from people describing their own periods of restlessness, but it was this comment –
I feel restless a lot. I feel restless but I can’t do anything. I just feel like I’m moving very fast but I can’t even keep up with myself and I feel frozen and tired at the same time. I think of things to do then I forget them suddenly. Or, I think of things to do but I just can’t motivate myself to do them. I feel like I’m doing 10,000 things but really I do nothing. It is confusing, even for me. Like I said, I feel frozen and racing at the same time.
– that was taken from here, which perfectly sums up what I’ve experienced today. I could have waited until I was free of this particular spell of annoyance and described it in my own words – and far better than what I’m capable of doing now – but I wanted to get across right now what it was I was feeling.
It’s the combination of racing and frozen that is particularly annoying because what it really boils down to is an unproductive but still tiring day and then you feel angry because you can’t focus to get anything meaningful done, which is by far the more distressing part of this phase, as opposed to the times when I am hyped up and full of energy but also laser focused and able to get stuck into any task I see fit.
Anyway, that’s all for now.