In the past, when I felt like this, in control, capable and balanced, I would fall back on the assumption that this is it, a new day has arrived and I have returned to my former self for good. History has taught me that this assumption is false but, significantly, recent events mean I’m not viewing this return to ‘normality’ with a sense of ‘well this is great, but no doubt it will be short lived.’ I now have a name for what I experience and the more I read, the more I write, the more I talk, the murkiness begins to slowly clear on how I can at least begin to attempt to keep myself in the place I currently find myself in.
Linking this to the other posts that have gone up tonight, there is no doubt that forcing myself into a fixed routine in terms of a sleeping and waking cycle has worked very well, with the added plus that now I know why it works
I now have to work out how to fit everything around that schedule. That in itself isn’t hard, it’s simply the social aspect that really needs to be figured out. I need to find the right balance for me because honestly, my whole life, apart from the last couple of years, I’ve been exceptionally social and also popular, but it simply got to the point where I couldn’t face the aftereffects of the kind of lifestyle that I used to have before bipolar came along. That life is incompatible with where I am currently but I can accept that. My anger and frustration is fading with each passing day (I know it’s easy to say that now when I am in a good place).
It seems now the key is recognising my triggers. As I am armed with far more knowledge then I ever have been before, this is a doable task. I’ve written a lot about the effects I experience when in the grip of an episode, now it’s about digging in and identifying precise details.
I’m determined not to fall foul of any naïve ways of thinking like I have done since I started this journey of confronting my problems, so I’m not going to make any proclamations about how if I simply do a, b and c things will be fine. I know there’s a long way to go and I still need to seek more advice and guidance, especially when it comes to what I wrote earlier about determining how I go about tackling this long term.
But at the very least I can say this is the most stable I’ve felt since, well I think actually since I started this whole process.