I’ve felt uneasy these past few days*. I’ve had this weird sensation of being overly vulnerable and just generally out of sync with the world around me. I’ve had this recurring nightmare for years that I’m in a field completely alone with nothing around me as far as the eye can see.** Above me the sky is oppressive, heavy, restless, violent; there’s that feeling in the air that a storm is about to break. Except it is never just a storm, it’s the storm, the one that is going to be so violent, so destructive that I’ll never be seen again. And I’m just there, at its mercy, waiting for the first streaks of lightning to signal that it has begun. As I wait I feel pure dread filling me up, from the feet upwards, slowly drowning me. I can’t bear to look at the sky and I can’t run because what’s the point, there is nothing but empty field in every direction – although I’m sure at first when I used to have this dream I would indeed run, run for my life and try and escape – so instead I stand there, paralysed with fear as the whole thing builds to a crescendo and finally, just before the storm begins, I wake up. As a child and a teenager the dream was similarly focused on being destroyed by nature but in those ones it was always tornadoes in the distance, getting closer and closer.
Normally, waking up would end the dread, but the last few days the feeling has remained, sharp and constant. It is a feeling of being rejected by Mother Nature, which is the best, and when I think about it, the most accurate, way of putting it. It is a feeling akin to being cast out. I’ve never really had that kind of emotion before. I think I’ve found it so unsettling because I usually find great solace in feeling connected to all the things around me. Usually, when all else fails, I lean on the fact that I am part of something bigger than myself, an intricate, grand tapestry of reality that is startlingly miraculous in its existence.
Last Sunday (March 30th) I could feel my mind starting to race, so I went for a run; it soon started raining. I looked up at the sky and there was a huge, dark cloud to my right and it was encroaching at pace on the clear sky to my left. It was an intimidating sight, it felt too much like my nightmare, so I went home. For two nights the wind kept me awake as it howled throughout the night in harsh, sharp bursts, my heart rate aligning itself to the to and fro of the wind sickeningly; the whole while, that feeling of being out of sync, out of place, and out of time pressing down on me. Strange, unsettling stuff.
*I took a few days off from blogging so this post is a little out of date; I’ve moved away from the feelings mentioned here somewhat, I certainly do not feel so out of sync.
** which is actually the basis for a poem I did about depression, which you can read here.