One of those ones where I feel myself slipping into the ‘I don’t need any sleep’ phases. Got a particular piece of music playing on a loop in my head and instead of winding down my energy is ramping up.
I know where this usually leads, the hyperness, the irritability, the eventual crash, but I’m just trying to bring all my coping mechanisms into play, all the things I’ve learnt and read recently.
I actually shed a few tears tonight, which is highly unusual; they were tears of frustration cos I’ve had a good solid couple weeks of feeling pretty damn good; the frustration is that even though I still feel good now, the other parts are starting to come into play that will end up in a bad cycle.
The frustration also stems from the fact that I know what has tipped me over. Last night I met up with some friends and ended up getting to bed a couple hours later than my usual routine and unfortunately, as I’m learning to my detriment for a second time (the second time where I’m aware and conscious of what’s going on) one small thing that puts me out of sync can bring the whole house down.
By and large I’ve made peace with the things I have to do to stay on track, I just have to learn to be even more rigid and firm in my socialising. I mean, I had a great time, and leaving earlier wouldn’t have negated that. Admittedly it’s hard to go against the pressure when people are asking you to stay and you feel like you’ve explained the implications of your illness (the small as it may seem act of the sleep schedule getting thrown off has lead to some less than pleasant thoughts as well as the impending onset of a racing mind), but when it comes down to it, it’s my responsibility.
I just have to accept this is how it is tonight and deal with it best I can and whatever comes tomorrow. I could sit and worry about how I’m gonna cope when I get a job and find myself slipping like this but that day isn’t here yet.